//beconfused

Round like a shot

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. ‘Hello,’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.’

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’

To which I replied, ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’

Tony Gladstone

This is just too funny. Don’t try this to the local police though. They will not find it to funny.

Anyway, as for what happen to that man… Well, this is probably a joke. If it weren’t a joke, he’ll be charged.

It is likely that this is taken from British newspaper The Times.

[via Digg]

Once in a while, people forward to me jokes. This one is from a friend, who is better at computers, Jesus or Satan?

Is Jesus or Satan better at computers?

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

“It’s gone! It’s all GONE! “I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

Some random bits I saw at Bits and Pieces, a joke to entertain you guys.

William forgets Valentine’s Day

William was in trouble. He forgot Valentine’s Day. His wife, Renee, was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds… and it better be there!”

The next morning William got up early and left for work. When his wife, Renee, woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Renee put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

William has been missing since Friday.

My friend forwarded to be this joke, enjoy:

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.
When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (in tears), “When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying.”

She squeezed his hands as he continued, “When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply…”

He added, ” …then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me.”

His wife was in tears. The man said, “I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me…”

His wife’s tears trickled down as she listened to him, “And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There’s something I really like to say to you…”

She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion. Finally her husband said… “I think you bring me bad luck-lah”

I found these lightbulb jokes in Reader Digest. I’m quite sick of light bulb jokes actually but these light bulb jokes made me laugh so I’ll share with you guys.

Journalists’ Jokes

Q: How many sub-editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: We can’t tell whether you mean “insert a new lightbulb” or “have sexual relations inside a lightbulb.” Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many proof readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The last time this was asked it involved Art Directors. Is the difference intentional? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why do we have to change it?

Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!

Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three.. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn’t too late to make it neon, is it?

Q: How many advertising directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We’re not sure because the client might change it tomorrow. Cut some editorial anyway.

Sent in to Reader Digest by Adeline Loh. Published on page 95 on September 2006 Reader Digest.

Chong Kok forwarded this to me. I thought I share this with you guys.

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch… you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor! sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012th to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Some thoughts

This is life, isn’t it? We sometimes don’t know when to stop. Sometimes it is assume that if we skip an opportunity, a better one would come. Sometimes you just end up being worse of.

Here’s a joke:

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department
told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was
insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy approached the manager.

“Some old bastard wants to buy half a head of lettuce”, he said.

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind him, so he quickly added,” and this gentleman kindly offered to
buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called the boy to his office.

“Although I can’t condone the way you referred to that customer
earlier, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”

“New Zealand, sir,” the boy replied.

“Why did you leave New Zealand?” the manager asked.

“Sir, there’s nothing but whores and rugby players there,”
the boy replied.

“Really?” replied the manager “My wife is from New Zealand!”

“Really??” replied the boy. “What team did she play for?”

[It's been long time since I've seen a joke by the way.]