Oct
22

Who makes the best patients for surgeons?

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Who Make The Best Patients For Surgeons?

The 1st surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table. When you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The 2nd responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded.”

The 3rd surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The 4th surgeon chimes in, “You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end & if the job takes longer than you said it would, no big deal.”

But the 5th surgeon topped them all.

“You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, & no spine. And on top of that, the head & the ass are interchangeable.”

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Aug
06

Joke: Where Singapore’s food come from?

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I received the following from a friend through email. It’s a terrible joke yes, but it seems to keep Singaporeans busy forwarding this. Malaysians probably have jokes laughing at Singaporeans. If you do have such jokes, please tell me about it.

A Singaporean was on holiday in Malaysia. He was having his coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam at the hotel’s coffee house. A Malaysian man who was chewing gum, sat down next to him and started a casual conversation.

Malaysian: “You Singaporeans eat the whole bread?”

Singaporean: “Of course.”

Malaysian: “We don’t. In Malaysia , we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants & sell them across to Singapore.”

The Malaysian then had a smirk on his face while the Singaporean listened in silence…

Malaysian: “Do you eat the jam with the bread?”

Singaporean: “Of course.”

Malaysian (chuckling): “We don’t. In Malaysia , we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds & other left-overs in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam, before we sell it across to
Singapore.”

This time, the Singaporean retorted: “Do you have sex in Malaysia?”

Malaysian: “Why, of course we do.”

Singaporean: “Do you wear protection?”

Malaysian: “Of course! We wear condoms.”

Singaporean: “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”

Malaysian: “Stupid question! Of course we throw them away.”

Singaporean: “We don’t. In Singapore, the government secretly puts them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum & sell them across to Malaysia, and that’s the real reason why we banned chewing gum in Singapore!”

End. Okay, you supposed to laugh.

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Jun
26

How to get the police’s attention

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Round like a shot.

Round like a shot

Going to bed the other night, I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. ‘Hello,’ I said, ‘I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now, because I’ve shot them.’

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, ‘I thought you said you’d shot them.’

To which I replied, ‘I thought you said there was no one available.’

Tony Gladstone

This is just too funny. Don’t try this to the local police though. They will not find it to funny.

Anyway, as for what happen to that man… Well, this is probably a joke. If it weren’t a joke, he’ll be charged.

It is likely that this is taken from British newspaper The Times.

[via Digg]

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May
11

Is Jesus or Satan better at computers?

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Once in a while, people forward to me jokes. This one is from a friend, who is better at computers, Jesus or Satan?

Is Jesus or Satan better at computers?

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, “THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

“It’s gone! It’s all GONE! “I lost everything when the power went out!”

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. “Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?”

God just shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”

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Apr
11

Joke: William forgets Valentine’s Day

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Some random bits I saw at Bits and Pieces, a joke to entertain you guys.

William forgets Valentine’s Day

William was in trouble. He forgot Valentine’s Day. His wife, Renee, was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds… and it better be there!”

The next morning William got up early and left for work. When his wife, Renee, woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-box for her wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, Renee put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

William has been missing since Friday.

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Apr
10

Staying by the husband’s side

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My friend forwarded to be this joke, enjoy:

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days.
When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (in tears), “When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying.”

She squeezed his hands as he continued, “When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply…”

He added, ” …then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me.”

His wife was in tears. The man said, “I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me…”

His wife’s tears trickled down as she listened to him, “And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with me. There’s something I really like to say to you…”

She flung herself on the bed and hug her husband, sobbing with deep emotion. Finally her husband said… “I think you bring me bad luck-lah”

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Feb
12

Journalists’ Jokes

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I found these lightbulb jokes in Reader Digest. I’m quite sick of light bulb jokes actually but these light bulb jokes made me laugh so I’ll share with you guys.

Journalists’ Jokes

Q: How many sub-editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: We can’t tell whether you mean “insert a new lightbulb” or “have sexual relations inside a lightbulb.” Can we reword it to remove ambiguity?

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q: How many proof readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The last time this was asked it involved Art Directors. Is the difference intentional? It seems inconsistent.

Q: How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Why do we have to change it?

Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It was supposed to be in place last week!

Q: How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three.. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

Q: How many marketing directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It isn’t too late to make it neon, is it?

Q: How many advertising directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We’re not sure because the client might change it tomorrow. Cut some editorial anyway.

Sent in to Reader Digest by Adeline Loh. Published on page 95 on September 2006 Reader Digest.

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